BabyDoll's Blog

I am 22 years old. I have many blogs in other numerous places like MySpace, LiveJournal and Xanga. But they all just get boring after awhile. So, I am trying this out for a little while and I will see how it goes....

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Day After Valentine's Day!

Well, I had a feeling when I woke up this morning that it was going to be a bad day. I mean for real this time. I could just feel it. I remember my boyfriend kept asking me what was wrong. I did not want to tell him because I feared it coming true. It did.
We got into a blowout argument over nothing once again. But either way it turned into something huge. And our relationship is now over due to it. It does not matter how much love and faith I have in this, it is now broken. It can not be fixed.
I spoke to him on messenger earlier. He said that we are not done just different in a good and bad way. Well, apparently it is more bad. He invited me to lay in the bed with him. Well, I feel like we are strangers being forced to sleep in the same bed together. I feel no love from him. And I hate it.
I have to go tomorrow. It is over. He does not want me anymore and I cannot change that. No matter what I want it does not matter. He does not want me and that is what I want is him. And now I cannot have him. It is really over.
He is trying to get me to stay for his room mate. To take care of him. He will go to assisted living if I go. I hate to do it to him but I cannot stay here and feel the pain of seeing my boyfriend everyday and not being able to have him. To hold him, to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him I love him. I won't even be able to talk to him. It is done.
I cannot stay unless there is a drastic change before tomorrow. I have people in Philly preparing for my arrival just in case. If I cannot stay here with my wonderful boyfriend, then I do not have any reason to stay in Allentown at all.
I need to start over. If I stay here and take care of his room mate then I will never get over him. It is going to be hard enough to get over him. So, I cannot stay and make it even more harder on me. I must think of myself for once.
I will go back to Eliza Shirley. I hate it in that shelter but I will be near friends and I will sign up for housing and I will never depend on another man for anything ever again. I hate men. I still cannot believe that my boyfriend even broke past that boundry but I did. I hate myself for letting that happen.
If I had known that we were not going to last long, I would have gone back to Philly the same day that I lost my room. By now, I would have been well off. Now, I am starting over later than needed.
But I guess that it was worth it. He has changed me in alot of ways for the better I guess. I will probably never know such love again. Especially because no other guy will be given that chance ever again. I will never find anyone quite like him. What is even the point of trying?
I am going back to my no datng rule until I am divorced and even then I will never see a man again. I think that it is time to go full blown lesbian. If I can't have the man I want (My soul mate) than I want no other man!!!


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